Like a lot of things in sport, perhaps this returns to Jose Mourinho.
Shortly after their bitter rivalry in Spain had ended in 2014, there were reportedly arguments between Mourinho and Pep Guardiola at a UEFA summit about, of all things, the length of the grass.
Mourinho stated the following subsequently, maybe as a result of thinking about surface coverage: “When you enjoy what you do, you don’t lose your hair, and Guardiola is bald. He doesn’t enjoy football.”
If you are unlucky enough to regularly use social media, you are aware that this led to the creation of the meme labeling Guardiola as a “bald fraud,” which was used each time he lost a game 5-0. During a press conference in 2019, Guardiola alluded to the fact that some people had dubbed him “Fraudiola.” Guardiola seemed to be aware of what people were saying about him on Twitter, which was impressive, albeit he did not mention the part about being bald.
The revelation that Arne Slot will take over for Jurgen Klopp at Liverpool and, to a lesser extent, Enzo Maresca at Chelsea, made this an even more intriguing topic of conversation. Look around and you will discover a lot of ashamed Liverpool supporters who are announcing that they will have to stop making jokes about baldness, which they used to make fun of Guardiola and Erik ten Hag. Additionally, Slot and Ten Hag are mixed together: “Ho!” Choosing a Dutchman with no hair! It turned out nicely for United, did not it? Even so, there are many who openly express their regret about the selection of a bald guy to Anfield.
It’s all quite strange. Why do people feel the need to reference a manager’s hair, or otherwise?
If you look past their eyebrows, Ten Hag and Slot’s confusion is somewhat odd. Sure, they are both Dutch and Eredivisie winners, but that is about as similar as it gets. Ten Hag and Slot are considerably different from one another in terms of their football tactics, man-management strategies, and personalities. Ten Hag is reserved, rigid, and lacks humor in public, whereas Slot is more outgoing and clearly charismatic. Their lack of hair is therefore the primary commonality between the two.
It is reductive, but then again, maybe it is dumb to overthink these things; after all, social media in particular and the internet in general are not known for subtlety and careful thought on these matters.
The most straightforward reason for all of this is that football fans are simply exploiting whatever is in front of them as fodder for jokes. Being overweight will be viewed as a liability. It will be that if your hair is long. However, that also serves as an excuse for a host of other, even more disagreeable things that come from the terraces.
The slightly more comprehensive response is that baldness generally fascinates society.
Larry David, who won an Emmy in 1993 for his Seinfeld-related writing, did not begin his acceptance speech with the typical cliches; instead, he quipped, “This is all very well and good, but I’m still bald.”
“Everything we read, from being a child, is about hair being associated with beauty and virility,” says Sheffield Hallam University senior lecturer in psychology Dr. Sue McHale, who specializes in the psychology of hair loss.
Straight out of biblical tales like Samson and Delilah and fairy tales like Rapunzel with her gorgeous long hair. If you have been exposed to these stories since a young age, it can be quite difficult to change your perspective on hair. It is simply a part of society. Baldness is simply connected with everything opposite of what it is linked to, such as youth, virility, and beauty.
“With male pattern baldness, it’s perceived as an ageing thing, and less attractive, because we live in a society that is very youth-oriented. I guess football is even more so, because it’s dealing with young men who are active and athletic. Maybe baldness is equated with them being old and not up to the job.”
Losing hair can be compared to losing a piece of oneself, one’s youth and identity. It is also about losing control over how you look. If you start losing hair, there are basically only three options: either shave it all off and regain control, or leave it grow and present yourself to the world as nature (if not yourself) intends. Alternatively, you can take slightly more drastic but restorative action; the hairlines of Rob Holding and Antonio Conte, to name just two examples, have been responsible for two of football’s greatest comebacks in the last 20 years.
And it is hard to blame them when baldness is such a commonplace derogatory term that carries a lot of incredibly strange presumptions, conclusions, and projections.
To the extent that we have to wonder if this is all just “banter,” a lighthearted jab that everyone should just enjoy in its (maybe) intended spirit.“I would be among the first to argue that it’s a form of prejudice,” says Dr McHale. “One of the problems we have in society is that we are very much focused on looks and external factors — it’s certainly got worse since the age of social media, and anything we can do to ameliorate those prejudices is a step in the right direction.”
Not only do you hear it from irascible former Chelsea managers, social media banter merchants, and internet cranks, though. In a 2023 interview, Arturo Vidal, a midfielder for Chile, who is almost completely bald save for a small mohawk on his head, appeared to assert that bald managers are naturally difficult to work with.
Speaking not long after Cristiano Ronaldo left Manchester United after being eased out by Ten Hag, Vidal said: “That coach intervened badly. How can you get rid of Cristiano Ronaldo? That’s how these guys are. That’s why sometimes the coaches who arrive leave a tremendous mess. Terrible. I don’t know what they are thinking. Getting rid of Cristiano? He was their goalscorer and he gets rid of him. The baldies are very difficult, that’s how they function.”
The background is that Vidal had a tense relationship with Jorge Sampaoli, the extremely bald Brazilian manager of Flamengo, having recently taken over as manager. Vidal explained that his limited playing time at the Brazilian team was not due to an injury, but rather because he “got stuck with a loser coach who did not know how to appreciate his players”.
Even if they are made in fun, comments about your lack of hair must sting when you are the target of them. Perhaps the guy just has a grudge.
Or maybe not. There was a long-standing chant from the Selhurst Park stands about former Crystal Palace manager Alan Smith: “He is got no hair, but we do not care.” It is a song that has been directed against many different people throughout the years, such as Martin Jol at Spurs and Steve Stone during his time at Nottingham Forest.
“It never really bothered me,” Smith says. “I took it as a nice bit of banter and quite affectionate. It was not the most important thing on my mind out of everything I did. I had always assumed it was meant in a kind manner. Being that thin-skinned would be horrible (to let it disturb me).
“There’s so much going on in the game, you can’t pay attention too much to something like that. Anyway, I’ve heard my wife sing it, so it can’t be that bad.”
Being associated with a specific kind of headwear could be the answer.“I never experienced abuse like that for being bald,” says Tony Pulis, manager of 10 different clubs over a 28-year career. “My cap must have protected me. But it wouldn’t have bothered me at all — I’ve had much worse than that.”
I think it should go without saying that baldness is not a barrier to success for a manager. Guardiola recently claimed his sixth Premier League championship. Both Pulis and Sean Dyche will be remembered as Premier League icons who excelled in their respective managerial philosophies. Ten Champions Leagues have been won by bald(ing) managers since the year 2000.
Furthermore, it does not appear to deter teams from hiring bald managers. With Slot, Ten Hag, Guardiola, and Dyche in place, the Premier League’s northwest is now completely hairless. When Maresca is included, four of the “big six” managers in the Premier League become bald. Ange Postecoglou and Mikel Arteta are currently in the hairy minority.
All of the jokes will have been heard by Slot and Maresca. You would be shocked if any of it actually resonates with them. It also goes without saying that their absence of hair will not determine their level of popularity or success.
Still, they will undoubtedly be relieved that Mourinho is no longer in the picture.
